That Extra Gland
- At July 25, 2012
- By Betty
- In Blog, Counseling, Healing
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You know you have it when you cannot say no to the downtrodden, forlorn and, above all, master manipulators of those of us born with a sympathy gland. To be fair, I should include all those who have acquired a similar phantom gland through guilt.
It’s not the same absolute sincerity and foolishness, but it will allow for the same complications and lead to the same enormous amounts of time given over to those who would enslave the energy of others for their own benefit regardless of the detriment to others.
Please understand, I do not include the genuinely troubled who are always open, appreciative and who enthusiastically participate in their own recovery whether it be from emotional or physical complications.
They are, without exception, a joy to work with and allow for a true exchange of human thought and feeling to occur for a successful and satisfying healing. I wish to narrow the scope down to the sympathy-seeking, ever-thoughtless professional energy-stealers.
At this point, you’re probably wondering why the tirade about the behavior of people who should appear to be obvious and therefor easily avoided under all circumstances, extra gland or not. Ah, this is the worst part of glandular excess.
The personal satisfaction, the personal identification of this healer-counselor is in helping others. This sounds reasonable, even logical unless this also includes the need to be needed as the means to self-worth which includes the need for approval from others. “you helped me” becomes the siren song.
“You didn’t help me” becomes the manipulator’s refrain. That extra gland puffs up with equal parts determination and misplaced responsibility to heal that which cannot be healed like the all-consuming need to have someone’s devoted sympathetic attention on every sad, bad emotional change the manipulator experiences.
The intention is never healing or even self-improvement. After months and sometimes years of diligent attention, the manipulator still feels wounded and still insists on transferring emotional burdens onto the very person trying to foolishly help. There is no help for the professional victim.
So, dear reader, I cannot remove this extra sympathy, but I will respectfully apply its amazing capacity to those truly seeking counseling and healing. Those who are inclined to use and abuse other people’s time and energy are invited to go elsewhere to satisfy their endless need for attention.
On Becoming A Healer and Counselor
- At June 11, 2012
- By Betty
- In Blog, Counseling, Healing
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The ability to help others first occurred to me when I was 12. Some friends urged me to please talk to their parents as a way of influencing them to give permission for a party. It worked, but not how my classmates imagined. In order to know what to say, I had to listen carefully for clues from each parent. As they spoke, patterns emerged in my mind and somehow I knew which words were needed, including the tone of voice required.
This was during one of the times I lived with my mom, in-between living in different foster homes. Perhaps the first home was the most important. I knew I was special, but not because this was said to me.
I knew by my small handprint in plaster hung on the kitchen wall with a blue ribbon. I knew by my pictures painted in poster paint that lined the hallway. The couple asked if I wanted a brother or sister. I said I wanted a brother and I remember holding their adopted son Charles Dale. I was 5. And I was 5 when I left with my mom on an airplane. I lived with my mom for a year.
Then I lived on a small farm. The couple I lived with called it a gentleman’s farm. They had several chickens, a few goats, a cow with a calf and a vegetable garden. Every Saturday we went to the local church for square dancing. The husband was 50 and retired and his wife was 32.
I felt the heat in the cab of the dusty truck and I could smell steer manure. My mind drifted up and out the window. I saw the bright sky and bleached hills. My body was in the distance. I told it not to worry. I was 8 1/2 and had no word for what the husband was doing.
I knew something was wrong with me. The husband asked why my face looked funny. I had no answer. The wife had me dust the living room furniture then asked if I thought the job was done. She asked me why I was so slow. When I looked in the dresser mirror, I looked plain, like a piece of paper. I knew I was slow. My mind was always going somewhere else and not paying attention.
I held my suitcase and looked at the dark blue curtains with tiny red school houses. I heard the wife say she hoped I would remember what she taught me. I walked down the stairs, careful not to show my relief. I was 9 and my mom took me home until the next time.
My life experience allowed me to observe how other minds work and how other people’s emotions are expressed. My circumstances taught me how to survive: to hear what is unspoken, to know a person’s thoughts by the sound of a voice and to receive information from outside myself. These trauma-inspired gifts are now used to help others, and that is a most ironic, but rewarding use of my experience.
How Can I Become More Spiritual?
- At September 17, 2010
- By Betty
- In Blog, Counseling, Healing, Lotus Enlightenment
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Hi Betty, My wife Mary and I have been separated for about 3 months and no matter what I do she won’t listen to me. I don’t know what to do at this juncture. She wants me to go to a marriage counselor with her. Do you think counseling will help my marriage? Thanks, Frederick
Hello Frederick, This is the information I received:
This is not so much about a marriage as it is about two souls who promised to help one another. I was also given a picture.
You are bending forward, focusing aggressive attention on Mary. She is pulling back from you and has turned her head away with mouth shut tight and eyes closed.
Then the picture changes:
You sit casually and comfortably in your chair, giving your attention to the counselor while occasionally looking toward Mary when she speaks. Your feelings for Mary are confined to those given to a respected and beloved friend.
Mary is sitting forward. She frequently glances at you when you are not looking and can no longer feel her power to provoke you. For the first time she can now express her emotions without resentment because her husband is no longer casting the shadow of his needs over her own.
The difference is brought about as you become emotionally centered and let go of her, and ask for the best resolution for all concerned. Know the outcome is completely out of your hands. If you can do this, the healing and subsequent gifts of the heart will be beyond anything you can imagine.
It is human arrogance to think we can change another; it is divine wisdom to know we can influence another by changing ourselves. Sincerely, Betty
Hi, my name is Kathy and I was wondering if you can recommend how I can become more spiritual. I appreciate any advice you can give. K.
Hello Kathy, To be spiritual means attending Catholic mass and smelling the warm fragrance of incense for one person, working in a vegetable garden and feeling the rich cool earth for another and fishing on a lake at 5:30 and watching the sunrise to someone else.
At its most basic, it is a heightened sensitivity and connection to all things around you. Sometimes it’s described as being at one with the universe.
Begin by finding out what activity makes you feel most connected and a part of this world. Discovering this will reveal that part of you that most easily connects to the spirit in all things. Sincerely, Betty
If you are seeking an answer to a life problem, please write to me at [email protected] All questions will be anonymous. From the Heart of the Lotus . . . is dedicated to spiritual service.
If you wish to have a Spiritual Counseling Session, please contact me for an appointment.
What We Do
- At December 20, 2009
- By Betty
- In Blog, Counseling, Lotus Enlightenment
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Consider how many times we have all experienced small, personal acts that came from the willing hearts of strangers that made a difference in our day, and for some of us, made a difference in our lives.
How many times have we extended a hand or a word to friend and stranger alike simply because that’s what most of us do?
Without knowing or even imagining the consequences, we touch each other’s lives and lighten each other’s burdens all the time, unless we choose to do otherwise.
Connie once described her mother-in-law as looking like her disappointment in life froze her face into an ever-lasting mask of disapproval. The mother-in-law sat in her chair surveying Connie and all the supermarket ads spread over half the dining room table. Next to Connie were her scissors, a list of what was needed and stacks of food coupons.
“Good thing you got that education. Lord knows how you’d organize all that important stuff without it.” Connie answered her with silence. When her mother-in-law moved in, Connie was ten pounds overweight, and now Connie never weighed herself. It was as if every mean thing said to her wrapped itself around her body and added a spiteful heaviness.
Connie listed the supermarkets for this week’s route. She paid for gas only. That was the rule her husband set as he smoothed his hair over the thinning spot at the back of his head and tried to understand his wife wanting to get all that food for free, then giving it away for nothing. It was his considered opinion that his wife was going through the change and that’s why she wasn’t herself.
Connie couldn’t explain the thrill of gathering her treasure, the brightly colored boxes, packages and cans of every size. She looked over the container boxes and bags at every stop, making sure everything was secure and mentally calculating what food would be donated next.
Connie drove her familiar white van to the back where volunteers waved and smiled, calling out, “Here comes the Food Lady!” At each place they carefully unloaded their portion of her treasure. The last stop was the women’s shelter.
Connie glanced in the office to say good bye and saw a woman with her small daughter. The woman was struggling over the questions on the form. Connie imagined herself filling out these same forms and how it would feel to escape into a new life . . .
What impressions or thoughts came to you?